Vampy

SHE: Wow

HE: Yes! Now you are a child of the night, as I am. We will spend the next 1,000 years together running around in the darkness, murdering and drinking the blood of the homeless. Not exclusively homeless, of course, the homeless are actually sort of viewed as, like, fast food. Like they’re the McDonalds of being a vampire. I don’t know though, I mean blood’s blood, right? Anyway, I always do this. Bite people, I mean. Bite people and turn them into vampires, and then speak to them. At length. not fuck people, in bathrooms, during parties. Anyway…

SHE: That was sooooo good, what was that thing you did with your mouth on my neck? At the end there…

HE: Well if you’d been listening….OK, here we go again. Let me run thru it: I’m a vampire. I have deceived you, making you believe I was attracted to you, when, in fact, I’m a hell-spawn blood-thirsty fucking vampire!! Out to drink blood out of throats of women, sometimes men. I mean I dunno, what’s the difference? It’s not like I fuck everybody I turn. Well, I pretty much do, but who is anybody to judge, you know? I’ve both the gift and the curse of eternal life. Believe me, running from torch-bearing peasants with dogs sucks. Nine times out of ten you have to kill the dogs and that involves biting them. I once got a giant flea bite in my mouth doing that…

SHE: I’ve never felt anything like it. Sooo hot. Almost like you bit me. Like you’re a vampire sucking my life-force and hardening my body for the tortured existence of eternal life.

HE: Well, duh! Listen how much did you have to drink lady? What the fuckin’ fuck!? I don’t even know where to begin now. Follow me here: Last night I bit your neck. Since I am a VAMPIRE ( HELLO-oo!), you have now begun a certain transformation into a ghost-wanderer, Vampiros Lagos, Puerta Viarta. I can’t stay with you forever, more likely I’ll just have sex with you until I want to have sex with another person. During the time we do have together, I will be your master, as you are as helpless as a child in your new, amazing, form. Oh, and that’s even another way I gotcha! I just realized: see that? I said that when I leave you, you’ll be alone and helpless right? Well on top of that, I’m going to time my vanishing so that it causes massive inconvenience to you. I might even tell you that I’ve decided to leave early, even though I haven’t and won’t. You’ll be so terrified though that you’ll start fulfilling my every wish just to keep me around. I’ll be totally taking advantage of you! I’m a dark, evil, deceptive instrument of pure evil. Furthermore…

HIS CELLPHONE: (Heyyyyy have you ever tried…Really reaching out for the other side…I maybe riding…)

HE: Oh. Oh, sorry. I gotta take this. Just a minute Ok? Hello? Hello! Nancy! Woo-hoo, Nancy I can’t believe I found you. Soooo psyched. I saw you answer Doug’s post on Facebook and then I saw Jamie on there as well. How’s things, how’s life!? How’s your girlfriend!? Wait, what? Oh my god no…I want to know everything. Hold on. Yeah hold on one second…

HE: OK you know what, just take a nap ok honey? Yeah when you wake up we’ll talk more about your being doomed to walk the earth undead forever good? Great!

HE: Ok Nance? I’m back. Tell me all of it, leave out NOTHING!