Last Night

Helpful female pharmacist: would you like a bag?

Me: (mumbling, headphones on full volume, but on temples instead of ears. Low, tinny music mixing with cvs musak. ) No thanks, I'm going to eat them all the way home.

My subconscious: (suddenly awakened) hmmm ? what? What's happening...

Help. Fem. Pharm: Excuse me sir?

Me: I say, I'm going to eat them all on the way home.

Sub: Dude...no...

Pharm: (looking around for assistance, should she need it) I don't think that'd be such a great idea.

Sub: don't...please. Just go. Turn around and...

Me: (words come out weird, as I'm making up each one up just before I say it) I nnnng-don't ah-even nnknow wah-what's in there. What are ah-thuh... They?

Pharm: they're nambdydamddeedoo-amycin.

Sub: I beg of you - I AM you, and yet, you've unmanned me and it's come to this. Begging.  Please, say no mo....

Me: ah! Aho... What's is that any wuh-ah-good?

Sub: (weeping)

Pharm: (pausing a few beats too long, locking me in a hostile stare) You could get a heart attack and die. Sir.

Me: (shamefully averting my gaze groundword) ahhuhah.

Sub: (deep-breathing itself back together) ok it's done. Can we leave it? The girls going to need therapy just from your awful  breath! You definitely ruined her life, and she's probably going to call the cops. Since when are we just TALKING to people, old man? I must've missed the...

Me: Mwah-ell, ah-wish me luck-eh heh. uhhhh...Heh.

Pharm: (already far away from counter, looking away on purpose)

Sub: Dude...(shakes imaginary head, imaginary arms out, imaginary palms up, look of bemused incredulity on imaginary face)