SMURF

Papa Smurf?

Oh yes! It’s nice to see you Smurf. What was it you wanted to smurf about?

Okay…Uh this isn’t exactly easy for me to uh…Say soooo…

Just smurf your smurf little smurf. Papa Smurf always has time for a Smurf who needs to smurf.

Ah. Ok: I’m glad you said that Papa Smurf. That’s actually what I wanted to see you about.

How smurf?

Hmm. How smurf…See, the thing is, uh I can’t talk like that anymore.

Like what? Smurf me…

Like you just did. Like you always do and all the other smurfs…

I’m not sure I smurf what you’re smurfing about smurf.

Right. Ok. Why do we substitute the word Smurf for every word in every sentence? It’s inane. Actually it’s fucking retarded is what it is.

I’m not sure I like how this smurf is smurfing smurf.

No other people do that. No other beings do that! Fuckin’ giraffes don’t say : Oh hey giraffe, you wanna go giraffe a giraffe and then later we can get a giraffe?! You see Papa? It’s confusing. Also it’s sort of egotistical, I mean are we so insecure that we have to have our name mean like 20,000 different things? Jeez Papa Smurf it’s almost too weird to even talk about.

Now you listen here s…Um, what did you say your name was smurf?

That’s the other thing: our names. Don’t you feel like it’s sort of stifling to have everyone’s name reflect one of their character traits? I mean, I know Greedy has an eating disorder because he always feels like he’s got to be eating. Nobody should eat that much man! But since you branded him with that ridiculous name he feels trapped - held to a standard no smurf could ever attain. I won’t even get started about Jokey.

What’s the matter with Jokey?

What’s the matter? What isn’t the matter Papa? The guy is constantly partying, and laughing - again because of his stupid fucking name - and then you add the element of incendiaries. You think he could be that jokey without chemical assistance? Jokey begins every day with a joint the size of your leg. Dude, I’ve seen that guy stay up for like 2 weeks straight, and then go and explode other smurfs all day with those bomb-presents. Dudes gonna cost somebody a limb!

Well my little smurf you’ve certainly given this a lot of thought. Why don’t we take the night and think about it and we’ll see if you feel better in the morning.

Better in the morning?! Papa, I can’t take another day of this! I came here to tell you: I’m out.

Out?

Yeah out. Call me Out Smurf. I’m gonna move to a place where they don’t utilize confusing grammar. I’m going to find a place where there’s more then one fucking female dude! I mean Papa, come ON! You thought it wise to create 100 boy smurfs and one girl smurf dude? Do you realize how many times that bitch has been turned out?! Goddamn Papa Smurf, it’s like a Hell’s Angels party every night at her place. Christ the smell alone is enough to attract raccoons! You went and made her a million lacy white dresses but not ONE pair of fucking underwear! But it’s ok, I’m sure her self-esteem is sky-high Papa Smurf, sky-fucking-HIGH!!

If you are quite smurfed I’d thank you to smurf out of smurf.

I think you just told me to leave and if so, then you’re in luck sir. I’m already gone.

Good day smurf and good smurf.

Yeah smurf you too. Fucking dick.

~

Hello Handy Smurf, get Jokey Smurf and follow Cynical Smurf out of the village. When he’s out of earshot I want you to throw a smurf over his smurf and smurf his smurfs off. Tell Jokey he can burn the rest but I want his smurfing smurfs on my smurf.

Consider it done Papa.

Smurf you my little smurf